Assisted Living1: The Musical®


Assisted Living The Musical
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Welcome to Pelican Roost, the party school of retirement communities. This show tells the tales Granny will never tell. Pelican Roost is a place where buffoonery lives next door to screwball, just across the way from cockamamie! The show’s host couple enters heaven, suspecting their son pulled the plug to get his hands on Dad’s vintage Corvette. They don’t seem to mind— instead they take the audience on an uproarious journey that celebrates the latter years. This vaudeville-esque revue will knock you off your rocker!


Everyone knows an eccentric or two. In maturity, these eccentrics often bloom into full-fledged wackos.

Assisted Living: The Musical® is a 75-minute parade of such wackos, displayed in sketch and song. They are Lothario and lawyer, nurse and neurotic, golfers, gropers, and a retired Catskills comic. There are those who recall their youth with body art and those who regain it behind the wheel.

There are no sad songs, no Depends® jokes, and no F-bombs.

A show just for old folks? Is Oklahoma! just for cowboys? Fiddler just for Jewish musicians? Rent just for people who don’t own their own homes?

This show is for everyone who hopes to grow old with laughter and joy… including you.


Heaven’s pretty nice, it would seem, but it’s nothing compared to Pelican Roost. "Everything Is Swell When You’re In Pelican Roost" is about a retirement community where buffoonery lives next door to screwball, just across the way from cockamamie.

“Aging,” our host explains, “is not the same as maturing.”

For example, what happens when the skirts become too quick for the chaser? In "Help! I’ve Fallen (For You) And I Can’t Get Up," he upgrades. But HoverRounds® have needs, too. His needs charging.

He gives way to Naomi Lipshitz-Yamamoto-Murphy, who not only lives here, “I sell here.” She’s a Realtor®, and happy to explain The Roost’s many amenities. Something for everyone, she promises: banjos for the hearing-impaired, Rush Limbaugh for the memory-impaired, water aerobics for…

Naomi, however, is not fond of “the spa, with all those mirrors.” "My Hide" is her description of what’s sagging, and how it can be fixed.

Enter Hungry Man. "Lost-My-Dentures-On-Steak-Night Blues" laments not being equipped to handle what’s dished out. He goes home… to oatmeal… again.

Computer Woman explains that Pelican Roost is wired entirely for WiFi, but you’ve got to know the acronyms. Her Internet Class, IMHO, FWIW, will have you ROFL.

Then, she confesses. "Walkerdude@Facebook Dot Com" is tale of Internet love with a man… and a mouse.

You can trust this character… cuz he’s a Lawyer! In Extended Life Liability, he promises to get you money for the pain and suffering caused by just being alive.

Visit the Wellness Center— and consider making a gift— in "The Organ Donor Song."

Pelican Roost enjoys its own retired Catskills comedian Ben Younger. His weekly Comedy Hour is staler than Sadie’s kugel. You’ll plotz!

If Gilbert and Sullivan had paid homeowner’s fees, they’d have written "The Owners Association," a topsy-turvy story of altruism, disillusionment, and intercontinental escape.

"Goin’ Mobile" is a classic doo-walk song where tennis balls are the new tennis shoes.

"Golf Cart Seduction" will make you smell that new cart smell again. Sleazy Guy oils his way through a description of his custom golf cart. It has seats that recline… all the way back.

Naomi Lipshitz-Yamamoto-Murphy returns to pitch the housing opportunities at The Roost. She herself has upgraded… three times. She wonders if it may be time to upgrade again, this time to "Our Senior Resort Style Home." There, every palm tree has a 911 telephone.

You can trust this character… cuz he’s a Lawyer! In "Injury Remembrance," he promises to get you money from injuries you do not even remember.

Mix the Love-The-One-You’re-With Generation with some drug-induced confidence, stir in a little no-pregnancy, and heat it all in a cauldron of lots-of-free-time. It’s "Vernon’s Burnin’ Passion." Can ya feel it? I knew ya could!

Perhaps he’s just missed his dose of Ativan, but a manic attack is only one of the symptoms this Im-Patient Man feels he feels in "Hypochondriacal."

Poetry Corner is not where you expect to find drug dealing, sabotage, and murder. But in "The Battle of Room 109," Poetry Woman plays for keeps.

In "A Ton-And-A-Half Of Cadillac Steel," Nicholas Dent, 93, has found his car keys again. Last time, he reinterpreted the term “Drive Thru Window.” This time, both his blues and his driving are reminiscent of Ray Charles.

Naomi Lipschitz-Yamamoto-Murphy talks about her real estate clients. In her mind, a cigar is never just a cigar.

You can trust this character… cuz he’s a Lawyer! In "Legal Karma," he promises to get you money from lawyers who promise to get you money… even himself.

"The Tattoo" exposes that neither body art nor regrets are limited to Millennials.

"The Uplifting Viagra Medley" is a Kama Sutra of sing-along-song bits from the whole cast. You’ll get by with a little help cuz your boyfriend’s back from Blueberry Hill in Chicago where there’s no agra like Vi-agra, like no agra I know. Up, up and away!

"The AARP" wants you. And it wants you to know it. Even after it gets you. Everybody sings this call-and-response gospel paean to the organization most responsible for the continued operation of the US Postal Service. Now, join. No, really. It’s required.

Good Roosters return to heaven, and that’s what ours do in "Pelican Roost Finale." When they hear that bell a’tollin’, they go out rock and rollin’, cuz everything is swell at Pelican Roost.

But wait!!!

The final sacrament comes… in a chapel... where they go… to get buried. Everyone sings. Everywhere.

Bows and exit.


Audiences are laughing so hard they cry.

–Associated Press


The Man (Bari-tenor, B3b to F4) is a 55+ active retiree. Everyman, in Bermuda shorts.

The Woman (Alto, E3 to E5b) is a 55+ active retiree. A frisky optimist with a secret tattoo.

Randy Man (Baritone, F3 to F4) is a 55+ ladies’ man with a power problem.

Naomi Lipschitz-Yamamoto-Murphy (Mezzo, G3 to B5b) is a 55+ nicotine-drenched real estate yenta whose clients want to get their hands on more than just real estate… or so she believes. She shows ‘em around The Roost, and she’s always on the lookout for an upgrade, as her last names would imply.

Hungry Man (Bari-tenor, C4 to F4) is a 55+ beta male with a biting issue.

Computer Woman (Mezzo, G3 to F4 (C5 optional)) is a 55+ spinster librarian who suffers online heartbreak.

The Lawyer is a 55+ half-Southern Baptist preacher, half-used car salesman, half-carney.

Nurse (Mezzo, G3 to B5) is any age, devoted, and direct to a fault.

Doctor (Bari-tenor, G3 to F4) is any age, comedic, and sales-y.

Ben Younger is a 55+ over-the-top Borscht-Belt comedian.

Country Club Woman (Soprano, C4 to D5) is a 55+ newly-retired Junior Leaguer.

Country Club Man (Tenor, C3 to D4) is a 55+ newly-retired Captain of Industry.

Walker Man (Tenor, F3 to A4) is a 55+ active golfer.

Walker Woman (Mezzo, D4 to A5) is a 55+ active, spunky flasher… sorta.

Sleazy Man (Baritone (Bass), C3 to D4) is a 55+ lounge lizard… and proud of it.

Im–Patient Man (Tenor, F3 to E4) is a 55+ fast talker who knows he’s going to die… from everything. He’d be bipolar if both poles were manic.

Poetry Woman is a 90+ irascible, spry and vindictive grandmother-type.

Nick Dent (song is spoken) is a 93-year-old who likes to take a drive. Both his blues and his driving are reminiscent of Ray Charles.

Setting: Pelican Roost Retirement Home; an over-55 retirement community.

  1. Everything Is Swell Again At Pelican Roost
  2. Help! I've Fallen (For You) And I Can't Get Up
  3. It’s A Wonderful Place
  4. My Hide
  5. Lost-My-Dentures-On-Steak-Night Blues
  6. Internet Class Computer
  7. Walkerdude@Facebook Dot Com
  8. Extended Life Liability
  9. The Organ Donor Song
  10. Comedy Hour
  11. The Owners Association
  12. Goin' Mobile
  13. Golf Cart Seduction
  14. Rooms
  15. Our Senior Resort-Style Home
  16. Injury Remembrance
  17. Vernon’s Burnin’ Passion
  18. Hypochondriacal
  19. The Battle Of Room 109
  20. Emergency Announcement
  21. A Ton-And-A-Half Of Cadillac Steel
  22. Real Estate
  23. Legal Karma
  24. The Tattoo
  25. The Uplifting Viagra Medley
  26. The AARP
  27. Pelican Roost Finale
  28. Bows
  29. Encore, Chapel Above

Performance Royalties are based on theater particulars.

Billing responsibilities, pertinent copyright information, and playwrights' biographies are available in the show rider that comes with your license agreement.

“Hilarious!” –Naples Daily News

“Lively and WICKEDLY FUNNY.” –Examiner.com

“I laughed, I cried, I almost died! OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY.” –Rossmoor News

“DELIGHTFUL!” –Bay Times

“Audiences are laughing so hard they cry.” –Associated Press

“A Wonderful Time…” –BBC Radio

“A Laugh Riot!” –KGO Radio

"Lighthearted, relatable and funny." —KDHX

"A sunny little comedy with entertaining characters and lots of get-up-and-go. Whether you're at retirement age or you want a peek at what's in store for the best years of life, this one just may get you smiling and clapping along." —Tanya Seale, Broadwayworld

Materials: Digital Materials are provided via email as downloadable PDF files for you to print in-house. All materials are yours to keep! No deposits, no returns.

Required Production Materials for Assisted Living: The Musical® :

  • Cast Scripts
  • Vocal Books
  • Director's Script
  • Stage Manager's Script
  • Orchestrations
  • Logo Pack
  • Piano/Vocal Score


  • Conductor/Piano
  • Bass
  • Percussion
  • Reed 1 (Flute, Alto Sax, Clarinet in Bb)
  • Reed 2 (Clarinet in Bb, Tenor Sax, Baritone Sax, Bass Clarinet, Clarinet)
  • Trumpet
  • Trombone

Official Logo Pack Now Included!

To help you promote your show, Stage Rights now includes a logo pack with your license. The logo pack includes high-resolution versions (both color and black and white) of our show logo. The logo is the portion of the artwork with the show's title. The surrounding artwork is also available for an additional fee.

Production Resources:

  • Performance Tracks