Characters:

Casting Note: Application Pending was originally written to be performed by one female actor playing all the roles. The authors have also created a version of the script for a male actor, a school version, as well as a competition version. At schools and other institutions where there is a desire to engage larger casts, the play can be performed with anywhere from 2 to 43 actors.

Christine Evans, female,* is the new Director of Pre-Primary Admissions at Edgely Preparatory Academy, having recently been promoted from her job as a kindergarten assistant. She does her best to impress and tries to keep her spirits up despite overwhelming odds. Bright, resourceful, and resilient, she is determined to get the job done, even if it means using unconventional tactics. She is a single mother who would do anything for her son.

Mary Mae Beverly – a parent with Southern roots.

Bob – man of all trades.

Boris – a Russian businessman.

British – courteous.

Dr. Lawrence Bradshaw – the headmaster.

Bruce and Chad – non-traditional parents.

Buddy Marshall – a soft-spoken parent.

Cardinal – the Pope’s gofer.

Christian Olivier – a wee thespian.

Celine Dion – herself.

Coach – the gym coach at Edgely Prep.

DEA Agent – an agent of the Drug Enforcement Agency.

Debbie Davis – the previous Director of Pre-Primary Admissions.

Preschool-Age Boy – Devin, Christine and Richard’s son.

DHS Agent – an agent of the Department of Homeland Security.

Pamela Upton Drinkwater – a society woman.

Everett – a confident businessman from New England.

FBI Agent – an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

George Clooney – himself.

Isabella Reyes – a reporter.

Jennica – a first grade teacher who shouldn’t.

Jerry – wants a child, badly.

Lucille – a screamer, wife of Ernie.

Matthew – a caterer who’s over it.

Patricia Hyman – an executive at PETA.

Mrs. Petersen – a matronly kindergarten teacher.

Operator – automated telephone voice.

Pope – his Holiness.

Preston – a prospective student.

Richard – Christine’s ex-husband.

Sabrina – Christine’s best friend.

School Voicemail – for Our Lady of Sorrows.

Senator Dumont – Senior Senator of South Carolina.

Shoshana Feigenbaum – neither genteel nor gentile.

Sister Jones – the headmistress at Our Lady of Sorrows.

Stephanie – an expectant parent.

Sven – an ice sculptor.

Takala Matata – the Director of Financial Affairs at Edgely Prep.

Teresa – Mrs. Petersen’s new assistant, formerly a custodial engineer.

Trish – Dr. Bradshaw’s secretary.

Val – a hypochondriac.

Vera Vandercooché – the Chancellor of Admissions at Buckington Academy.

Setting: The Pre-Primary Admissions office at Edgely Preparatory Academy, an elite private school in Manhattan.